Shine your Light

My ramblings on the “self”

You weren’t born with a guidebook on how to be uniquely you. No one can provide instructions on how, or for that matter why. Human birth itself represents a manifestation of the perfection of being innately oneself. My belief is that society, driven by fears, jams a wedge as deep as a soul between us and the innate self we come downloaded with from the Source. Being you, being me, IS our earthly purpose. But how? How do we get ourselves back to the original nature of the self? Are we even lost or simply cloudy?

My opinion? We stop apologizing, for everything. Choice vs. obligation. We begin to filter every one of our decisions through what creates innate joy. Then, we chose those things over and over without explaining, unless we feel like explaining. The people who follow you on this path, for however long they can/will, constitute your “tribe”. We quit the habit of apologizing for being ourselves.

To illustrate how we can feel disconnected from our essence and what it means to “find” it again, I’d like to share a few experiences. Hopefully something in my narrative will resonate with you, wherever you are on your journey.

As an existentially-inclined thinker, I’ve often pondered, “Who is Freya? Who are you? Who are any of us?”. Wayne Dyer said, “stop thinking of yourself as a body with a soul but rather a soul with a body.” If that’s true, nothing on the outside defines you entirely. So, In a sea of other people, what is it that makes me me?

And, more importantly, why am I so fucking afraid to embody it? If the outside is merely the shell for my soul in this passage, How can I find myself?

Am I lost?

My mother once quoted to a photographer friend for a book called “Mothers and Daughters” that when I was born, “I didn’t know who gave birth to whom. Freya possessed an innate sense of who she was that surprised me.” Freya, a Goddess not incarnate, but descended to earth. But, was it really self-love I possessed or a learning that I would get praise and affection if I performed? Hard to say, however, I will note this: by the time my mother had my IQ tested I was well aware of how to manipulate a situation, how to change myself to fit and how to get what I wanted. When did authenticity change into manipulation? (To me the verb manipulate possesses neither positive nor negative connotations, it just is an action)

A fact kept secret from my my whole life, and I will not disclose the source of my awareness, were the results of this IQ test my mother had for me as a child. She wanted  more info on her precocious little cherub. She hid the results; she hid it because my score was high, exceptionally high. She was afraid of how that would impact me, my life. IQ measures problem solving skills, not intelligence or EQ, not encyclopedic knowledge or preferences. But why hide your intellect and curiosity? Inadvertently the lesson was, hide your smart. Hide your quirky, often awkward intelligence.

At two, I walked up to her and declared, “if god is all-loving and all-powerful, god must be a woman”. Imagine how well I enjoyed Junior High and high school.

My first lesson in appearance vs interior experience happened much younger than six. When my parents divorced (so glad they did) I was sort of left to navigate the changes on my own. My words of wisdom on the contrary supported my mother as opposed to the reverse. Later in life, right about the time of my own divorce, she said, “you have always had your life together. You don’t need help like other people do.” What??? So just because I didn’t stop getting good grades or smiling, I don’t need help? Perhaps, I give the impression that I have my shit together, that life is easy for me, that I need nothing from anyone, ever. During my divorce this odd fact has become evidently clear to me, but that is for another post.

Aries rules my sun, but my inner life ruled by Cancer can be personified by softness, gentleness and kindness. I love loving. So, how is it that all anyone ever sees until they get close enough is my exterior. I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I guess I don’t. Dear everyone close to me; Freya is both. I am a powerful Warrior. I have my shit together. I know how to make HARD things look EASY, all day every day. And, I have a tenderness. A deep need to show love and be loved. And, I will not settle for a MEDIOCRE Life. Ever. I would rather be dead.

My childhood and early adulthood set the stage for a few things you may relate to:

  1. People perceived me as STRONG and sometimes aloof.

  2. Don’t be too strong though, it’s not ladylike or appealing.

  3. Don’t show your vulnerability, no one will ever believe you (they still don’t except for a few people so close to me I don’t know how I would live without them.)

  4. If you want to be loved, never ever show anyone your intellectualism, your lover nature, your goofiness or your humanity. They won’t get it.

My ex-spouse once said to me, “you expect too much.” This comment came at a moment where I was showing vulnerability to him about a deep and old wound, and how little Freya, still hurt over it. (Thankfully, I Have healed these wounds, but it was a particularly sad moment.) I just wanted him to hold me; to tell me he loved our son (which he does) and that no matter what he had my back. He didn’t. He said, “I’m too passionate and expect too much.”

My mother has also been quoted as saying, “you are great enough to fly, but why not just run faster than the pack?” WHY??? Why dim my light? Why do the people closest to us most often fear our innate greatness. My belief is that it is because they themselves are afraid of their own.

I'm not saying I am better than anyone. Ever. Each of us is divine, in our unique ways. I know though that when I enter a room, the energy changes; I have a presence. For better or for worse, this particular iteration of my soul was born to translate experience into inspiration, to lift others and to Love. Often, out of embarrassment or fear of rejection, I hide so I don’t have to face my own light. Perhaps, the balance of my karma rests in the ability to live this purpose of creative inspiration in new forms without shame? Perhaps, I heal myself and generations of women by accepting this “presence”, to stop saying sorry for the gift given, to apply my gifts in the same way a carpenter, musician, or whatever, in my unique introverted way? To stop hiding.

Today, our collective consciousness evolves at a pace unprecedented. Moving away from duality, facade, Gods driven by acquisition to peaceful oneness. Yes, I do believe this. That you and I will not be alive when the peak of this age arrives, unless we manifest our soul into a new physical form that remembers the past life. We can usher in the new way by moving from a focus on IQ to EQ. To speak ours truth, even silently by our actions.

As an adult, my life has given me the following gifts:

  1. I am STRONG. And, strength can be measured in vulnerability, ability to chose vs. follow, to not fall into the matrix, to be kind in the face of adversity, to Love when we aren’t being Loved back and to rise again.

  2. Apologize, and often. When you have hurt someone, not for being you.

  3. Let people fall out of your life.

  4. Always try to get better, first for yourself, then for others.

  5. No one, no thing or possession, no person and job will make me happy. Happiness is an internal thing.

  6. I can chose to live my gifts or to reject them.

  7. Shining my light will mean I lose people in my life. In doing so, I will regain myself.

  8. Love and kindness over everything else.

  9. Embrace whatever uniqueness you possess.

Choice vs. Expectation. Joyfulness vs. Duty.

As each of us shines our light, what would the world look like? « Individuality makes us a light unto ourselves.” Osho

Time for living.

📸 @kylossus