EULOGY - Your new life will cost you your old one, PT. 1
Freya is Dead, at least the one you knew before. And, I’m not sad about it all.
“Your new life will cost you your old one.” - Instagram wisdom
Fuck, yes. I am not afraid. This is My eulogy to that Freya.
Condolences; I may never be a wife again. So sorry; I will never be a first-time mother again. Painful; I will never know the sweet naivety of a first big love. Mourning; I loved that Freya. She was everything. I mourn her. I mourn the Freya who loved being a wife. I mourn the Freya that loved being a caretaker. I mourn the Freya who had people who needed her. I loved taking care of them; always better at giving than receiving. I mourn the Naive Freya who believed that Love, Big Love, stayed unchanging forever. Forever???
That Freya no longer exists.
No prior definition applies. Call that chapter closed. And, I rejoice. I grieved. Grief envelopped me so completely, months could pass without my conscious awareness. Transformative grief. I’m grateful for it. INFP people apparently excel at processing deep sadness, seeing the positive in all experiences. https://introvertdear.com/news/infp-personality-drawn-to-sadness/
Just like that, in a blink, I am done mourning. I officially call it to an end. Don’t think Phoenix, think more Dragon Queen. Prompted by My BFF who asked me, why would a Goddess come to Earth and mingle with Mortals? I wondered. Thought for weeks. He asked me to ask myself, “what are you here for?” Freya is the Goddess of Love, Beauty, Fertility, Death. And, so what? Perhaps, by being Freya, without apology, I blaze a path. Burn a path down for others to inhabit their “Goddess”, too? To love free. Perhaps by unleashing myself I find the infinite in everything: love, intimacy, fulfillment, motherhood, friendship, exponential possibility and so on.
On IG a well-intentioned woman sent me a message:
“Just fanning your flames a little...I’m wondering if you feel your body is your best currency, like a commodity...because the words you quote are so deep, yet skin so shallow…”
Woman, women, men, everyone; A woman already IS sensual, sexy, unapologetically, nude, AND brilliantly smart, kind, deep and loving. Innately. She hasn’t learned how to show her truest nature.
I was not upset by this woman; I understand her. In fact, I wanted to hold her in my arms and whisper to her that, “yes, your body is a gift to be enjoyed.” Instead I wrote back:
“My body tells equally of my experience on this Earth as my Soul does of the lives before and after. I, in flesh, rejoice in both. Take pleasure in both. Neither are mutually exclusive, nor do either take priority, complimenting harmoniously. My skin’s depths felt in the touch of a welcome lover, rich in experience, soft with kindness and strong with Goddess. My Soul old in wisdom, young in yearning, I am here to live, multidimensionally.”
Born back into myself. Freya, Goddess. Here to shine my light so you can shine yours. Eternal Lover. Giver. Invoke me. This Freya remembers her divinity, her unconditional nature and the beauty of limitlessness.
No, I am not sad anymore. I’m on fire. “Seek those that fan your flames” Rumi
I am here to live, multi-dimensionally.